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I had a dream last night that you came to my apartment. I was asleep at 2 am, and you woke me with a text. I said nothing in reply, not believing you were really there, so you knocked on the front door. Luke let you in, and then you texted me again. You said 'can I come in?' I was in bed with nothing but my boy shorts on, and it took me a while to respond... Tears were in my eyes. I said 'yes.' You walked into my room, and we looked at each other. I was hiding under the covers with only my head visible, and you gave me that look that I have fallen in love with. Without a word you crawled in next to me, against the wall (I know you hated it against the wall...), and we hugged so tightly I thought I would die, my heart so overwhelmed with emotion. My tears made your shirt wet, but you didn't care. I said I was sorry, once, twice, what seemed like a million times. You said you were never letting me go again, and I told you I loved you...
You held me in your arms for what seemed like an eternity; it was so warm, so safe, so perfect, that I knew it was a dream...
When I started to slip in and out of consciousness, in my dream you realized I had only my underwear on. You pulled back, let go of me, and tensed up. 'Are you naked?' you asked. I felt embarrassed, but I replied as calmly as I could, 'It's not like we're doing anything. I'm just clothesless...' Your eyes searched for mine earnestly and you said 'Is this okay?' I suddenly felt self conscious, but I nodded. But you couldn't seem to relax again. You kept asking me 'can I hold you?' or 'is it okay if I touch you?' or 'are you sure you're okay?' and it just made me feel more and more exposed. I felt then that, if I had had the ears of a doe, they would have flattened in defeat. I rolled over, stepped out from under the covers, and walked over to my tiled closet where I put on a pair of pajama pants and a baggy T shirt. I came back to you, and assumed my previous position, curled up against your chest. I said nothing.
You said nothing either, for a moment. But I soon felt your hand under my chin, lifting it up so that I could look at you. I remember staring so deeply into the blue of your eyes. I was no longer shy... I felt so whole with you. You kissed me so sincerely, and then helped me to take off my shirt again. I woke up after that. And of course, cried at your memory.
Since I told you to go away I have been so furious... I have wanted to kiss every marginally interested guy I meet, sleep with someone just to get it out of the way. Just to make you angry, as if you would even care... But I go out with these people, and all I can think of is you. I don't want them. I don't want to give myself to them... I go out with Cody, but I come home and I can do nothing but weep into my bed. You're the only one I can see myself being intimate with... The only one I dream about... The only one I want to touch. You knew me so well already... I wanted to know you someday.
It's been a month and I still drive home from work in tears. I still walk the path from the parking lot to my stairway, wishing that I would find you standing there waiting for me. I still read the notes you wrote me. I still look at the moon and wonder if you're looking too. I still listen to the songs we used to listen to. I miss you so much... Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, it just makes me miss you more and more.
I miss the way you always wanted me to walk on a specific side next to you. I miss that your hand was always looking for mine. I miss that you sent me songs to listen to. I miss how excited you got. I miss how serious you got. I miss how you used to pick me up. I miss how we danced when there was no music. I miss how you talked to Beo. I miss all of the inside jokes that we shared together... Your humor fit mine so well, there was never a better match... "But the way I used to laugh with you was loud and hard..." Your voice alone had me wanting for you to tell me anything, just so that I could hear it. I should have told you how much I enjoyed you more, when I had the chance... But the bite of it is, I didn't even realize how much I cared for you until you were gone... I had no idea losing you would be so painful. If I had, I never would have done what I did. I never should have told you to get out of my life...
But at the same time... You did lie, a lot, to me... My words weren't doing anything to make you understand how hurt I was. I kept finding things that you had lied about, and not just any lies, but lies involving another girl... So I finally said 'go away' thinking that maybe you would change or prove yourself somehow with the pressure of me leaving. But you simply said 'okay' and that was the end of that. I was a fool to assume I meant more to you, enough for you to refuse to keep away... I would be a fool to assume I meant much of anything, to anyone. No man would ever fight to stay with me. I am horrible. All I do is nag, and whine, and call names, and criticize. I don't blame you for backing off...
I see my life though a dingy window, the panes frosted, the colors faded. Stagnant. Cold. Everything in my heart hurts. I feel so dead and useless without you. I whisper your name when I'm alone. I sigh about, and I keep to my room. When I think I have cried all I can, the next day comes around and I cry again just remembering you aren't there to talk to. A dream is the only place where I can see you, be held by you...
I just wish you were here.
I had a dream last night that you came to my apartment. I was asleep at 2 am, and you woke me with a... |
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I still feel bad.