Dougall awoke one day with something on his head. It was blue and green with an antenna ending in a little yellow bobble, and jiggled like a gelatin cake. He had no clue what it was.

Dougall's friend and decades-long debtor suggested he go see a doctor. Since Dougall worked as a university custodian, he knew how to find all manner of doctors.

The Doctor of Medicine told Dougall that this was a phenomenon completely unknown to the college of physicians, and recommended that in order to obtain a proper diagnosis, he submit himself to a month-long study so that a full analysis of the something could be conducted in order to determine the most appropriate course of action. Dougall replied that he had a date on Friday, and thus could not commit.

The Doctor of Biology told Dougall that the something might very well constitute an organism previously unknown to science, and recommended that in order to study it properly, Dougall take up residence in the labs so that the researchers could examine the something through a range of tests to ascertain its genetic, physiological, and behavioural properties. Dougall replied that he was slow-cooking a turkey, and would have to be home by the evening.

The Doctor of Psychiatry told Dougall that the something was a hallucination triggered by the subconscious, representing the conflicted state of Dougall's mind, and recommended that they schedule weekly sessions in order to divine the nature of this inner trouble. Dougall replied that he was going on vacation next month, and would be unable to keep the appointments.

The Doctor of Engineering told Dougall that due to its malleable properties, the something would be quite useless in providing the foundation or superstructure to an edifice, but could serve as an insulator or shock absorber in a more robust blueprint. Dougall replied he would bear that in mind, though he didn't plan to build anything atop his head.

The Doctor of Sociology told Dougall that regarding the something as a 'thing' meant he was prejudicing it according to a group-level stereotype that demeaned its worth as an individual, and recommended public events be organized so that people could interact with the somepeople on equal terms so as to foster intercultural connections. Dougall replied this was the only someperson he knew, so such a fair would be rather one-sided.

The Doctor of Computer Sciences told Dougall that as it was not electronic, he had no clue what to do with it. Dougall replied that it was alright, he didn't know either.

The Doctor of Business Administration told Dougall that in order to optimize the bottom-line revenusability metrics of the something, a proactivating robust HR strategy should be implemented to functionalize synergistic scalable rolloustsourcing methodologies targeting client-focused win-win paradigms. Dougall replied he'd get back once he figured out what that meant.

The Doctor of Philosophy told Dougall that in order to understand the something, he must first come to grasp the metaphysical nature of 'something-ness' and its relation to competing counter-paradigms, recommending he study the collected works of three dozen thinkers to help determine what the essential 'something' meant for the human condition. Dougall replied that he was more interested in what this something meant right now.

The Doctor of Economics told Dougall that supply and demand dictated that as the something constituted a super-rare commodity, he was in a seller's market and therefore would benefit from his product's extremely high monetary resale value provided he could encourage demand, recommending an aggressive marketing campaign based around incentivizing investment into representative shares of the net worth rather than the product itself, thereby enabling much higher profit margins than could be achieved through actual transfer of the physical commodity. Dougall replied that didn't this fundamentally contradict the whole notion of the 'invisible hand' in a 'resource-driven' economy?

The Doctor of Literature told Dougall that the something was merely a prompt from which to explore the broader issues facing the world, recommending he set aside time to develop an outline for a story in which it served as the central theme binding together ostensibly unrelated, yet subtly interconnected plotlines, each providing a different facet of the human experience that taken together yielded an enlightening whole. Dougall replied that he couldn't even write cursive.

Dougall left the university without any further insight into what to do about the something. When he awoke the next morning, the something had gone, replaced by a pile of letters begging him in professional language he couldn't understand, so he returned to the campus to seek clarification.

The Doctor of Law told Dougall the letters were requests to the rights surrounding his experience with the something, and recommended he license his story for royalties. Dougall concurred.